“没有办法解决这个问题，”政府质疑你为何在2万亿美元的赤字中花费600美元。
在同一周，美国又增加了2.1万亿美元的国债，使联邦债务总额超过36.5万亿美元。政府官员确认，他们仍然需要知道你为什么通过Venmo给朋友转账628美元并附上火焰表情符号。
“税收合规对民主至关重要，”国税局交易完整性倡议的发言人珍妮特·弗里本表示，该倡议监控像Venmo、PayPal和Cash App等应用程序中超过600美元的“可疑”活动。“如果你在分摊早午餐时写下‘[火焰]气氛’，我们需要确认这不是国际洗钱。”
与此同时，国会悄然通过了一项8860亿美元的国防预算，其中包括：
- 1700亿美元用于盟友和机密盟友的武器升级，
- 380亿美元用于核武器“现代化”，
- 240万美元用于空军“心灵健身房”放松舱——在基地和海外安装的镜面、LED灯照明的茧，旨在帮助压力大的飞行员“放松”，一名工作人员称其为“更像迪士尼游乐设施而非临床工作室”。
与此同时，公民被敦促：
- 减少红肉消费，
- 缩短淋浴时间，
- 通过饮食和锻炼来减肥，
- 回收塑料——尽管美国91%的塑料仍然最终进入垃圾填埋场或海洋，
- 并为气候“尽自己的一份力”，尽管政府仍在联邦土地上发放新的石油和天然气许可证。
“我们正在共同应对肥胖流行，”白宫健康事务专员凯拉·福姆表示。“但主要是你。你应该考虑跳过甜点——尽管我们在74%的超市商品中加入了高果糖玉米糖浆。”
批评人士指出，尽管个人因使用塑料吸管或购物袋而受到羞辱或罚款，餐馆在没有正式请求的情况下被禁止提供这些物品，但可口可乐等公司每年仍生产超过1000亿个塑料瓶——而且在联合国气候承诺中被列为“战略合作伙伴”。
“我们需要从某个地方开始，”环境政策联络员肯德拉·梅尔茨一边喝着装在收缩塑料包装中的20盎司健怡可乐，一边说道。她调整了一下自己的聚酯西装外套——这件衣服和大多数合成衣物一样，在下次洗涤时会向水源释放微塑料。“禁止吸管传达了一个信息。这个信息是：‘不要打扰真正的污染者。’”
水资源使用也受到审查：
加利福尼亚居民因在干旱期间浇灌草坪而被罚款，
而中央谷地的开心果和杏仁种植者每年消耗超过1万亿加仑的水，得益于农业补贴和漏洞。
“我们都需要做出牺牲，”温特·哈特曼州长在由雪佛龙和雀巢赞助的气候会议上，喝着一杯17美元的开心果奶昔说道。
美国农业部确认，在许多州，工厂化养殖场内部拍摄仍然是非法的，而现在使用人工智能监控来检测谁在公寓楼的错误垃圾桶中投放“未经授权”的废物。
与此同时，卫生部启动了新活动：
“更好生活，责怪自己™”，
其中包括：
- 为低收入工人提供补贴的Fitbit租赁，
- 生物识别挑战以赚取碳信用，
- 以及个性化的饮食计划，提醒用户如果他们只停止食用邻近10英里内销售的所有食品，就可以逆转心脏病。
当被问及为什么Snapple仍然可以出售40种不同的不可回收瓶装冰茶，而公民被告知要“减少包装”时，一位环保署官员叹了口气：
“没有办法在不惹恼股东的情况下进行监管。而其中一些股东还是参议员。”
在新闻发布时，国会批准了另外1140亿美元的紧急拨款，用于“不可预见的军事韧性升级”，同时拒绝了一项40亿美元的请求，以更换学校的铅管。
官员们还推出了一个新的数字“公民责任仪表板™”，公民可以：
- 跟踪自己的碳评分，
- 举报邻居的不当堆肥，
- 并解释为什么他们在2025年初转账612美元用于“杂货和放松”。
“这就是自由的样子，”新闻秘书达娜·赛尔克莱特姆表示。“一万亿美元的赤字，两场完全不可避免的战争，完全不可避免的塑料污染，无法避免的水资源短缺，以及我们在法律上不被允许谈论的工厂化养殖场。”
在新闻发布时，官员们确认，由于抗生素在牲畜中的过度使用，耐甲氧西林金黄色葡萄球菌（MRSA）再次传播，公民再次被敦促保持社交距离，勤洗手，并避免质疑肉类供应链。
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In the same week the U.S. added another $2.1 trillion to its national deficit — bringing total federal debt to over $36.5 trillion — government officials confirmed they still need to know why you Venmo’d your friend $628 with a fire emoji.<p>“Tax compliance is essential to democracy,” said Janet Freeburn, spokesperson for the IRS Transactional Integrity Initiative, which monitors apps like Venmo, PayPal, and Cash App for “suspicious” activity over $600. “If you're splitting brunch and write ‘[fire] vibes,’ we need to verify that’s not international money laundering.”<p>Meanwhile, Congress quietly passed a $886 billion defense budget, which includes:<p>$170 billion in weapons upgrades for allies and classified allies,<p>$38 billion for nuclear arsenal “modernization,”<p>“And $2.4 million for Air Force ‘Mindgym’ relaxation pods—mirrored, LED-lit cocoons installed on bases and abroad—designed to help stressed pilots ‘relax’ in what one staffer called ‘more Disney ride than clinical studio’.”<p>At the same time, citizens were urged to:<p>Cut back on red meat,<p>Take shorter showers,<p>Diet and exercise out of obesity,<p>Recycle plastics — even though 91% of plastic in the U.S. still ends up in landfills or oceans,<p>And “do your part” for the climate, even as the government continues to issue new oil and gas permits on federal land.<p>“We’re tackling the obesity epidemic together,” said White House Wellness Czar Kera Foam. “But mostly you. You should consider skipping dessert — even though we put high-fructose corn syrup in 74% of supermarket items.”<p>Critics noted that while individuals are shamed or fined for using plastic straws or grocery bags, and restaurants are banned from offering them without a formal request, companies like Coca-Cola still produce over 100 billion plastic bottles per year — and are somehow listed as “strategic partners” in UN climate pledges.<p>“We need to start somewhere,” said Environmental Policy Liaison Kendra Meltz, while sipping a Diet Coke from a 20 oz bottle wrapped in shrink plastic and packed in a non-recyclable multipack tray. She adjusted her polyester blazer — which, like most synthetic clothing, would soon shed microplastics into the water supply during its next wash. “Banning straws sends a message. And that message is: ‘Don’t bother the real polluters.’”<p>Water use also remains under scrutiny:<p>California residents are being fined for watering lawns during a drought,<p>While pistachio and almond growers in the Central Valley consume over 1 trillion gallons of water per year, thanks to agribusiness subsidies and loopholes.<p>“We all need to make sacrifices,” said Governor Wint Hartman, sipping a $17 pistachio milkshake at a climate conference sponsored by Chevron and Nestlé.<p>The USDA confirmed that filming inside factory farms remains illegal in many states, while AI-powered surveillance is now used to detect who is placing “unauthorized” waste in the wrong bin at apartment buildings.<p>Meanwhile, the Department of Health launched its new campaign:<p>“Live Better, Blame Yourself™”
Which includes:<p>Subsidized Fitbit rentals for low-income workers,<p>Biometric challenges to earn carbon credits,<p>And personalized meal plans reminding users that they could reverse heart disease — if they simply stopped eating everything sold within 10 miles of their neighborhood.<p>When asked why Snapple can still sell iced tea in 40 different unrecyclable bottle types while citizens are told to “reduce packaging,” one EPA official sighed:<p>“There’s just no way to regulate that without upsetting shareholders. And some of them are senators.”<p>At press time, Congress approved another $114 billion emergency allocation for “unforeseen military resilience upgrades,” while simultaneously rejecting a $4 billion request to replace lead pipes in schools.<p>Officials also unveiled a new digital “Civic Duty Dashboard™”, where citizens can:<p>Track their carbon score,<p>Report neighbors for improper composting,<p>And explain why they transferred $612 for “groceries and chill” in early 2025.<p>“This is what freedom looks like,” said Press Secretary Dana Circletime. “A trillion-dollar deficit, two completely unavoidable wars, completely unavoidable plastic pollution, unavoidable water shortages, and factory farms we’re legally not allowed to talk about.”<p>At press time, officials confirmed that MRSA was spreading again due to antibiotic overuse in livestock, as citizens were once again urged to maintain social distance, wash their hands, and avoid questioning the meat supply chain.